I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
