Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Found the puke drawer
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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