I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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