I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
