Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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