She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
