Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I met the friendliest cop last night
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
