True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
