I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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