he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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