You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
