you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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