now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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