its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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