i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
