The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im just a social blackout drinker.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
