is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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