I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
