cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
