a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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