i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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