I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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