my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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