I will probably be peed on at some point today.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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