Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
