A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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