Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
