he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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