Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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