I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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