there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I touched a dick in church today
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
