my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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