Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
