Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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