One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
