He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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