you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
