i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
