i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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