her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
