Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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