so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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