You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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