who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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