I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
