Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
