If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
