Moan for me like Helen Keller
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
