you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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