you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
