I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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