so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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