Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
